


The Body Shop

by orangetree



Category: South Park
Genre: College, Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 12:40:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17022807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangetree/pseuds/orangetree
Summary: Craig's college dreams are put on hold when his mom needs him here in South Park. He spends his days working at his father's body shop, taking care of his sister and finding time for his boyfriend Stan Marsh. He's questioning if this is all enough for him.





	The Body Shop

Craig Tucker opened the front of the body shop with the utmost precision. He made sure the paperwork was filed correctly, the drawers had a hundred dollars each. The petty cash had exactly $350. Everything was stocked, the phones were ready to be answered. If he was going to do a job, it would be done right. 

He sat at the front desk and looked at the orders to be completed today. Mrs. Broflovski was picking up her SUV at 11 am today. Linda Stotch was getting her oil changed and a brake check up. He had to set up an appointment for Mr. Black to have the new tires he had chosen to be put on and rotated. This was his life every Monday through Friday from 8am to 3pm. After he finished his shifts, he took his courses at Park County Community College. He had a math class, an english class and a biology class. He came home every evening by 8pm and either studied, did his homework for the day or went out with the few friends who stayed close. 

He was supposed to be at the University of Michigan. He had a full academic scholarship with them, he was going to study astronomy or astrophysics. He was going to get out of South Park, that was his dream. He worked harder than anyone he knew. Not because he loved school or wanted to be the best, but because he had to. He wasn’t naturally as smart as Heidi Turner or Wendy Testaburger. He joined the right after school activities, French club. There was a lot of watching French films and eating french cookies. National Honor Society, you had to have at least a 4.0 GPA to get in and it was all volunteer work and tutoring. He wasn’t great at that second part. He was socially awkward at best and usually ended up frustrated when someone didn’t understand the chemistry equations he was supposed to be helping with. They were so easy, just figure it out. He ended up making Annie Knitts cry one day and they put him on pure volunteer work. The school orchestra, he still played the viola and had been first chair for the past two years. He had beaten out Lola Parker for the position and they maintained a friendly sort of rivalry. He actually liked her, sometimes they would play duets together at weekend competitions at other schools. He had worked so hard to make his dream happen, he worked every summer and saved every penny. He missed out on parties and time with his friends and various boyfriends. 

“You’re always fucking studying.” JP Hanna was his sophomore year boyfriend. He was two years older, a senior who played hockey and he could drive. He was kissing down the side of his throat and trying to take the AP US History book out of his hands. “Can you give it a rest one night?” He was always frustrated with him. They hadn’t been getting along, he pushed him all the time. He wanted to have sex, he wanted him to go out more. He took without giving. Craig was an awkward fifteen year old with a full set of metal braces and awkward jutting limbs. He wasn’t a catch by means and honestly, sometimes he felt he really needed to try harder to make him happy. It seemed like a lifetime ago, he wished his problems were as easy as a bad boyfriend. At least he didn’t have to worry about that part anymore, he actually had a supportive boyfriend who took his needs into consideration. 

Laura Tucker was a good mother. She loved her children fiercely, would do anything for them. Drove them to viola lessons, cross country practises, soccer games, play dates. She supported Craig when he came out, tried to get to know every boy he dated. She had college funds for Craig and his sister, wanted them to follow their dreams. She was young and healthy for the most part. Had good habits, took a zumba class with her friends, didn’t smoke and barely drank.

It came as a shock to everyone when she got sick the summer before Craig was supposed to start college. She went in for a routine check up and walked out with an appointment for a specialist, Everything changed in that moment. Everyone’s dreams were put on hold, everyone played their part. His dad cut down on the hours he worked at the body shop and left his main mechanic in charge. Kevin McCormick was organized and used to taking responsibility for himself. Craig decided that Ann Arbor was too far, he needed to be here. He worked at the shop to help his dad, he went to school at night. He picked up the house, made dinner. He drove Tricia to cross country and helped her with her homework. He looked at Instagram as Kyle was at Cal Tech, Wendy at Dartmouth. Token was in New York City at Columbia. All his AP classmates were living AP lives. He was supposed to be living one too.

He was in Stan’s basement smoking candy flavoured weed out of a vape pen and listening to State Champs’ latest record. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back, blowing the smoke out of the corner of his mouth. He was sitting on Stan’s lap and he felt his hands on his thin waist.

“Fuck me hard tonight, it’s been a week.” He murmured in Stan’s ear. Stan was still here too. He didn’t have the grades to go away, he didn’t have the drive to care. This was all enough for him. Going to community college, working at the music store in town. He had enough money for records, gas to drive around all night and junk food for when he was too high for anything else. He got his weed for free, perks of living on a pot farm. He had been dating Stan since their senior year, he was a good boyfriend. He was supportive, tried to distract him from the things that played too loudly in his head. He worried too much about everything. There was so much pressure to make things easier. He saw his beautiful healthy mom look like a shadow from the chemo. She wore a neat floral patterned head scarf over her bald head. She made jokes about not having to highlight her hair anymore. He watched as his friends moved onto college and parties and they had so few responsibilities. Stan would come over and help him with his household chores, take him places, let him be young for the night. Stan loved him more than he deserved sometimes.

“Are you staying tonight?” Stan bit down on his clothed shoulder teasing. He could stay tonight, his dad, bless his heart, always gave him the weekends off. Stan was tall and handsome, gave the best hugs. They would cuddle together on the couch and watch all the stupid movies he didn't like to admit he loved. He always bought pizza and he let him eat it in bed. He let Craig wear his t shirts and hoodies and the sleeves fell charmingly over his hands. Stan always told him it didn't matter if he was stuck here, he was still going to be a very successful person who could achieve all his dreams. He was good at that, making you believe that there was still good in any situation. He knew he could be a negative person, someone who wallowed in their own despire. He had plenty to despire about, a sick mother, a father who took on being a caretaker. Seeing their friends live very different lives than he did. But Stan helped him not drown in it. He always had a life jacket with Stan Marsh at his side.

“I’ll stay, I like waking up with you.” He felt Stan smile against his shoulder and nuzzled the side of his throat. “You're so good to me, you're the only thing that makes me happy anymore.” He was a man who said so little. He let his big brown eyes do the talking, you could always tell how Craig felt by looking into his giant brown eyes. He had pretty eyes, his best feature if he was being honest. Big and brown with long dark lashes. He had big ears that were slightly pointed at the top like an elf. A face that was still soft in the cheeks, freckles and a pointed chin. He felt his nose was too big and his eyebrows too dark. He looked younger than eighteen and just got his braces off over the summer. His teeth still had a little overbite and his canines were pointed. He wasn’t a great beauty by any means, at least in his eyes. But Stan treated him like he was a precious thing. A thing to be cherished and worshipped. He wondered sometimes if it was because he was here. He hadn’t left him yet.

He wrapped his long legs around Stan’s waist as he pounded into him. It was unrepressed fucking, no making love about it. Stan pinned his wrists to the bed as he watched Craig tilt his head back onto the pillow and close his dark eyes. This was their Friday night routine, Stan fucked him, they smoked and then would lay in Stan’s bed watching something that required no thought. Sometimes they went for round two depending on sore Craig was. It was perfect, it was everything he wanted. He asked Stan for so little in return, this was enough. 

“You're so beautiful.” Stan told him afterwards. He was threading his thick fingers through his messy dark hair. Craig tilted his face up so he could look at him. He was handsome in a way that girls liked. Big blue eyes and a nice smile. He played hockey in high school, he still had a nice build from that. Craig traced over his chest, Stan had chest hair, he liked that. He was built like a man, not the gangly awkward teenager he felt like. Stan treated him like he was a beautiful thing, he didn’t understand it. No one thought they would be good together, they were so opposite. Stan was emotional and open, he was sensitive, he understood how to connect to the people around him. Craig was closed off and cynical. He needed someone like Stan to help him see that life wasn’t always a series of awful things. It was a series of things, you had to see the good to get over the bad.

Craig never slept as well as he did when he slept at Stan’s. His house was quiet and peaceful, his family gave him space. He would nestle into Stan’s chest and turn off the outside world for a bit. He knew he was a pessimistic realist. That sometimes horrible things happened, but that was life. You had to let them pass to get to the other side of things. He would lay awake at night thinking of all things that had gone wrong, how things could have turned out different. The stress of everyday life, disrupting one of the few things he still loved to do. When he laid next to Stan, things seemed to be still. He could just be in the moment. Stan was good at getting him out of his comfort zone. They went on late night Taco Bell runs and stayed out to look at the stars at Stark’s pond. Go to parties with Kenny and Clyde, get in trouble from time to time, have fun. He had long grown out of his trouble making tendencies. He wasn’t flipping off the principal or getting into little scraps anymore. Stan got him into fun, easy sort of trouble, the kind you still found joy in when you’re young. Sometimes he forgot how to be young.

He was studying for his math exam, it was still his hardest subject. He was watching a tutorial video on his ipad and trying to do the problems along with it. If he could maintain a 4.0 grade point average, he could easily transfer somewhere else once his mom was better. Everything was still in his grasp if he could see past today. When you’re young and everything feels so looming and complicated, it was hard to see this was one part of your life, you still had so much more to look forward to. He wanted to believe that too. He was always prepared for the worst, that was just his thing. He saw the worst outcome and could prepare himself mentally for it. That’s how it had to be so you didn’t get hurt. Facing disappointment was something he told himself he was good at, but he always feared it. He was Craig Tucker, he didn’t give a fuck about anything, he would tell himself that over and over again. But the problem was he gave such a fuck. He felt everything harder than he wanted to.

He was so afraid of getting hurt. Hearts get broken all the time. Tweek moved away the summer after the sixth grade and he remember how fresh and raw that pain was. The first person he had ever liked. His first kiss, the first boy he slow danced with. He remembered Tweek pushing him on the merry go round and walking him home from school. He remembered their first kiss, after the movies, his mouth tasted like popcorn. They tried to keep in touch at first, but by the end of middle school, Tweek was just a fond memory. He still followed him on instagram and liked all his posts. Tweek grew tall and handsome with green eyes and a slightly crooked nose. He seemed to be having a good life in Indiana. He finally got away from his toxic parents, choosing to live with his grandmother. Jeff Hammond started out as the coolest person Craig had ever met. He was in a garage punk band, which clearly sucked but when you were thirteen that didn’t matter. Once they realized they had nothing in common aside from being in the music program and having bad attitudes, Jeff dumped him for someone else. The last boy he dated before Stan, JP, he was so cool too. He had a car, he played hockey. He liked him even when he had metal braces and gangly limbs. But he was pushy and expected him to be at his beckoning call. They ended up not working out either, but not before he gave up his virginity and sense of self. His mom got sick, he couldn’t go to his dream school. All these little chips in the little optimism he had. 

He wasn’t an easy person to be around. He was cold and he didn’t know how to connect to the world around him. He had friends, but they were the same friends since kindergarten. When it was easy to walk up to anyone and just become friends. He didn’t like to make eye contact, sometimes he just needed some time to himself. He knew he made his problems seem bigger, harder to tackle by lacking the emotional maturity to do so. It was so easy to pretend to have it together. Homework done, room clean, showed up to work on time. The base level human competency that most people possess without really having to try. He could do all that, he was a responsible person without necessarily being a person people actually wanted to have around.

Stan was the strange exception to that. Where he was cold, unemotional and quiet, Stan was warm and friendly and social. He processed things differently than Craig did. He wasn’t the idiot who just jumped into things like he was back in elementary school, he was just someone who could actually process emotions in a healthy way. Sometimes he wondered if he needed Stan more than he let on. He tried so hard to look cool when he was younger, he didn’t need anyone, if people wanted to be around him, that was on them. As he had started to mature, he realized he needed to learn how to navigate as a person. Being unfeeling wasn’t working, it was just making him lonelier than he already felt. He just felt so alone sometimes. He thought Tweek would be around longer. He didn’t want to admit how heartbroken he really was when he moved away. They tried to make it work long distance at first. But they got busy with their own lives and friends. He thought Jeff liked him more. They had so much fun in the beginning and he never felt like he connected with someone like he did Jeff. They were cynical and musical and he actually wanted to hear him play the viola. No middle schooler wanted to listen to classical music. But in the end, they grew apart too. JP was cool, he was older and handsome. He let him wear his varsity jacket and he pretended he didn’t care, but he cared so much. His expectations were too high and when Craig couldn’t give him all his time, he lashed out. He hit him once and that was it. It was over, if he had done it once, he would do it again. He knew this. Stan was there for him after everyone of these boys broke his heart. He helped him understand what this pain was. How to move past it, don’t build walls, someone better would come along.

Stan came long despite Craig’s short comings. He was so worried he was unlovable, that no one would date someone so emotionally closed off. He was always so wrapped up in the disappointments of today that he had a hard time seeing past to tomorrow. He wondered if part of all this was some sort of coping mechanism. There was a chance, a good chance, his mom would get better. She would beat the cancer and grow strong again. She would be Laura Tucker, the mom who made cookies and taught him how to flip people off. Once she was better, he could think about his next move. The next school, the next phase of his life. But there was also this part of him that thought things could go the other way. What if she died? What if she couldn’t beat this? He didn’t know how to be without her. He had never known a time in his life where he didn’t have a mom. What if this was it for him? Go to community college and work in his dad’s shop? He knew he was being a snob about that whole thing, the shop gave the Tuckers a good life. They could afford a better house, they could go on vacation once a year. They could put aside money for college for Trish and him. They bought him a new viola when he wore his out and when he needed shoes or new clothes or wanted something, they could get it for him. He just never saw himself in this life. It wasn’t what he envisioned for himself. He was supposed to move on from South Park and start over somewhere else. 

Is that what he wanted anymore? What about Stan? He had grown so attached to Stan it scared him. He had never loved someone like this. Stan and him started hooking up their senior year. He was tired of being alone and sex was more enjoyable when you didn’t have to overthink it. They knew what the other needed and wanted from a partner, it was ideal honestly. It was casual at first, they each did their own thing. Stan didn’t push him for anything, he didn’t ask him to prom, he didn’t want anything but sex at first, at least that’s what he said. After the holiday break, they realised they wanted more, it hadn’t been so casual anymore. When everyone around them started to move onto something new, they had each other. Token was in New York City, Jimmy went to UC San Diego on a Special Olympics scholarship. Stan had no plans past the few classes he was taking at the community college and working at the music store. His dad still had the pot farm, he knew it was expected that he take over the family business. It wasn’t the worst idea, it would been a good life. He liked being in South Park, he liked knowing most of the people in town. This was enough for him, he saw the beauty in simplicity. 

Craig never thought that’s what he wanted. He would move on, he would study the sky. He wanted to learn everything about space. It was one of his few passions the others being music and Red Racer. He didn’t think it was realistic to think he could do great things with either of these other passions. He would never admit this to another living soul, but he dreamed so big. His dreams were to the moon and back and he wanted to see everything. He wanted to travel and look at the stars. But right now, that wasn’t in the cards for him. Like Stan, he had to learn how to see the beauty in simplicity. He had to find something that made it all worth getting up in the morning. That while everything seemed hard and bleak, there had to be something better out there. 

Maybe that was Stan? Maybe that was curling up in Stan’s bed on a Friday night. Or hanging out with the few people they knew that stayed in town. Kenny worked at the body shop alongside his brother and he seemed to understand this was enough. Being a mechanic was a good living. He could afford his own pickup truck and was saving up for his own place. Kenny joined Stan and him sometimes when they just looked at the stars at Stark’s pond or would invite them to house parties in North Park. Kenny had this uncanny ability to find any underground music show in the area. Kenny like Stan, found joy in his situation. College wasn’t in the cards for him with his financial situation and he was ok with that. He found something he was good at and made a living off of it. Craig could admire that. He wished he could be more like them. 

He was processing Mr Turner’s paperwork when Kenny came up front to socialize. He had his coveralls half up, half down, exposing his arms and his white wife beater tank top. He looked like something out of a hunky mechanics website for women. Kenny had golden blond hair and bright blue eyes. His arms were nice and toned from playing lacrosse in high school. He had grown close to Kenny this past year, he was one of the few who stayed close. Kenny, Clyde, Stan and him spent their time together getting high, listening to records and arguing about what they wanted to do after that. It usually ended in driving around aimlessly, blasting pop punk music and drinking slurpees. Things bored teenagers did when they were too high to come up with actual ideas. He ate lunch with Kenny everyday in newish pickup truck. Sometimes they just ate and listened to music, sometimes he talked to Kenny about his mom. He understood human nature in a way Craig didn’t. He had died so many times, death didn’t scare him anymore. He talked Craig through every scenario possible, he tried to put his worries at ease. It only worked sometimes. Sometimes they just sat in comfortable silence. Just depended on the day. Today was one of those days where they ate in comfortable silence, Craig’s head on his shoulder as he ate the same bag lunch he brought everyday. A vegetable wrap sandwich with provolone cheese and hummus. A bottle of water and some goldfish crackers. He brought the same lunch for Kenny too. 

“You’re very quiet today dude.” Kenny carded his fingers through Craig’s neat black hair. He wanted to tell Kenny he was thinking about his mom, he was thinking about the math test he had to study for, that Tricia had been moody and annoying and he had forgotten how annoying younger teenagers can be. That he was selfish, that there was part of him that wished he could be in Ann Arbor right now. That Token, Jimmy and Heidi were all having better lives than he was. That he was a shitty person for thinking all this. He wanted to leave so many things behind, including Stan. That he loved Stan, the first boy he thought he really ever loved. That he was the first boy who loved him back. 

“I have a lot on my mind Kenny.” He just told him quietly. He heard his phone ping and say it was his dad. His mom had been cleared to come home, but she was tired and maybe Trish and him needed to fend for themselves tonight. Could Craig pick up Trish from cross country today and maybe some dinner for the two of them? He tried not to be annoyed, he was happy his mom was coming home. He was happy that she wasn’t going to be in the hospital. But he was irritated because he was eighteen and wanted a moment to himself. He had to study for his math test, he wanted to just sit and watch tv for a few hours, just turn his brain off. He just pulled out a pack of menthol American Spirit cigarettes and offered one to Kenny.

“These will kill you.” Kenny teased him as Craig offered his blue star printed lighter to him. He wanted to tell him so many things can kill you, but Kenny knew this. Kenny knew this better than anyone else. He didn’t really think about death until this year. Now it was on the edge of everything he did. Everything he thought. It was this dark cloud that crept in when he wanted quiet. He wondered what it felt like to die. If it was like taking a long nap or just nothingness. He was Catholic, raised that way. There were stories about heaven and hell and everything in between. Confess your sins, free your conscience of sin. He would lay in bed at night and wonder what it would feel like to cease to exist. Would it be easier to be there rather than here. He was never curious enough to do anything about it, but it was there in the back of his mind. 

Craig ordered a pizza for Trish and him that night. “You need to start your homework after this.” He told her as he paid the pizza man. He recognised him, he was in sixth grade when Craig was in fourth. He was a mean kid then, chasing them all around, calling them fourthies. Now he was a mean looking twenty year old who delivered pizzas for a living. Irony at its finest. He tipped him well, trying not to pity him. Everyone was just trying to live their lives.

“Fuck off.” Tricia flipped him off as she grabbed two slices of pizza and headed up to her room. He didn’t have time to worry about this, let her fail all her classes. She was the exact opposite of him, she could have cared less about school. She wanted to go and flirt with the boys in her class, sneak out with her friend Karen McCormick. She was hurting too, he understood that. She was at a time where she needed a mom around. But she made things so much harder. He sighed and brought a tray up to his mother. Some tea and toast. He just sat with her, put his head on her shoulder.

“I love you so much darling boy.” She told him. She had the sniffles, but they were all afraid it would develop into pneumonia. His dad was back at the shop to go over the books and check on Kevin. He worked harder than anyone else, tried to repay Mr. Tucker for giving him all this. He had a better life and could make things easier for Kenny and Karen. He could have been studying for his math test, he could have started his english paper. He should have been checking on Tricia, but he would have much rather be here, at his mother’s side. He wrapped his skinny arms around her and closed his dark eyes.

“I love you too mom.” He told her softly. It was peaceful, just being here like this. There were so many times he felt like this life was a burden. This anger that bubbled inside of him sometimes. He was always an angry kid, he didn’t know how to handle things in a healthy way. He was socially awkward and scared of new situations. If he hurt someone first, then he couldn’t get hurt. If he didn’t understand something, he could find understanding in being mean, flipping someone off. Craig Tucker didn’t give a fuck. But as he learned more about himself and the world around him, he started to handle things a little better. He learned that sometimes you need to find something that you can enjoy in this moment. It was still hard and most of the time, he still needed to remind himself of that. But being with his mom, seeing her at peace for a moment, it did something for him. Made everything stand still for a moment. He kissed the top of her head when she fell asleep, closing the door softly behind him as he quietly went to his room.

He sat at his desk, his math book open. His mind was open and clear, he was ready. He was taking notes from the tutorial online he liked to watch, when he heard a noise at his window. He knew exactly who it was.

“You know we have a front door yes?” He opened the window and moved aside so Stan could slide in. “One of these days you’re going to hurt yourself.” He slid his arms around the back of Stan’s neck and pulled himself close to him. Stan was one of the best things about his day, everyday. He put his hands on his chest for a moment and pressed them against Stan’s pecks.

Stan’s hands were on his hips, sliding towards his ass and squeezing. “It makes me feel cool.” He teased him gently. He kissed him so needily on the mouth. He wanted that deep wet kiss, they needed nothing except each other. He let Stan lead him to the bed and he pulled him on top of him. He parted his legs for Stan so easily, the warm weight of Stan’s body on his. It made everything go away for a moment. The world was just the two of them.

“I've been thinking about you all day.” Stan murmured against his throat. He always left Craig marked up. Bruises on his throat, his shoulders and his collar bones. He loved all the markings he gave Craig. He wanted him to know everyday who he belonged to. He pressed on the bruises he left on his hips from the last time. He heard Craig sigh softly, he wasn’t the only one who loved all those marks. They were usually hard and frantic, but this time they made slow, languid love. They had all night, there was no rush. They were all wrapped up in each other, all loved up in that way teenagers were. Their first real love, where it was all optimism and pining and need. Stan always opened him up with gentle fingers and lots of lube and hushed words. It was sweet and gentle and perfect. When Stan rolled off of him and gathered him in his arms, it was peaceful. Stan could also make the world stand still for a moment. All the worries of math tests and grades and bratty sisters were gone. It was just them all curled up in his bed, with his weighted blanket and the soft squeaking of Stripe in his cage. The soft light of the white fairy lights on his headboard and the ethereal lighting of the glow in the dark stars on his ceiling. He stroked over Stan’s chest, the little hairs there, the ridges of his muscles. He looked so good, he still looked like he did the day they graduated. He liked when Craig told him how handsome he was, how smart he was, how much he needed him. Stan liked praise and Craig liked praising him. 

“Do you want me to help you study for your math test?” Stan kissed the top of his head. Stan was as bad at math as Craig was. Math had never worked in his brain, he made it ten times more complicated than it had to be. He still panicked when called to the board to work out problems. He still panicked as he studied for his tests and did his homework. He knew in the back of his mind, he would always panic when it came to the subject. He really wondered if this was going to be a problem when he started to move forward in his major. Math was definitely going to be a big part of astrophysics. Just a hunch there.

“You’re here and that’s enough.” He reached over and picked up his ipad and nestled under Stan’s chin as he watched the tutorial video again. He played it over and over and took notes. He was fairly certain it was annoying to see the same repetitive video play in a short span of time. Stan never complained though, he had Craig’s beats headphones on while he watched an episode of The Punisher on his phone. He stayed with Craig as he studied, both of them doing their own thing. Sometimes it was just enough to coexist together. They were good at that, coexisting in the same room while they did their own thing. Stan made him feel safe, made him feel like someone actually wanted to take care of him. He loved his parents, they were good parents. Some of the better parents in South Park to be perfectly honest. They supported all his passions, the viola, space, everything that made him Craig Tucker. They went to his National Honor Society award dinners and volunteer ceremonies. They went to his recitals and his concerts. They attended all soccer games when he was younger and still liked sports. They hosted play dates, sleepovers. Made cookies for bake sales, costumes for elaborate imagination games. But they were dealing with something bigger than themselves. The cancer was the center in their family at the moment. Everything revolved around doctor’s appointments, treatments. Making sure everyone played their part. His mom had nothing to focus on but beating the disease. His dad had to pick up the slack as caretaker, making sure his wife had everything she needed. The shop fell on Kevin McCormick’s shoulders to run smoothly. He had to take care of Trish and himself. Get her to school, pack her lunch, take her to her various activities. He had his own school work and part time job to deal with. It could be overwhelming for an eighteen year old to have so many responsibilities. All these parts of the machine had to come together to make this all work right. They all played their part, there wasn’t much wiggle room for error.

Stan was this calming presence. He held his hand as they waited for news about Laura Tucker. He helped him study, he came over and helped him make dinner sometimes or had picked up Trish when he had school work to finish. He held him, he fucked him, he smoked with him. He He took him out when he needed a break, going out on simple dates. They saw movies, they went to parties and drank cheap keg beer. Sometimes they went to Stark’s pond and Craig brought his telescope and they looked at the sky. They had always had an interest in music, Stan would take him to punk shows, sing along to all the songs with him. He helped him stand still in this world that kept changing so fast, it seemed like everything came at him at once and brought so much change. Too much change, he couldn’t keep up and he felt like he was drowning sometimes. 

They were going to try long distance before his mom got sick. Even though he had tried it once before and it failed, this time was going to be different. They were going to facetime everyday and make sure to call each other at least every other day. He knew it would be hard, but so was anything worth having. His cynical nature wanted to get the best of him, but seeing those big blue eyes and that sweet smile, he couldn’t help but want to try. When things didn’t work out, he was here, he wasn’t going anywhere any time soon, he wondered if Stan was glad. Not that he felt he wanted him to fail or fall short of his dreams, but there was this part of him that was happy they could put all this off for another time. There was this smallest part of him, the smallest most miniscule part that was relieved too. He didn’t do well with failure, he worried he would become a memory to Stan. 

“I want to stay tonight.” Stan murmured into his bony shoulder. He reached up and teasingly put the blue chullo hat on Craig’s head. He was wearing nothing but his hat with the blankets pulled up to his armpits and the ipad still playing the tutorial video. He looked over at him and tossed the ipad away. He pulled Stan on top of him again and kissed his chest. 

“My parents don't always like when you stay.” He looked up at Stan, into his big blue eyes. They said it was a bad influence for Tricia. But the thing was, Tricia was fourteen, so you couldn’t compare the two. Craig was technically an adult, he deserved a little more freedom than she did. He knew his parents didn’t always know what to make of him. They alternately treated him like an adult or tried to keep him childlike. They wanted it both ways.

“I know, but maybe just tonight.” He nipped at his shoulder again. He started kissing from his jawline to his throat and down to his shoulder. His teeth grazing over the marks he had already made. He could have taken him again, he wasn’t sore yet, it would have been so easy to let Stan have him again. It was always so easy with Stan, they rarely fought. He was such an easy person to be with, where he felt like he could be a nightmare of anxiety and misanthropy. But Stan brought out the best in him and he was so grateful for that. 

“Fine you can stay.” He teased him gently as Stan slid back into him. He held back a moan, it was only 9:30, he knew everyone was still awake. He knew Tricia had heard them before, she would tease him about it over breakfast when their parents weren’t listening to them bicker. He tilted his head back against the pillow and closed his eyes. Thank god for teenage refraction time. 

Stan smiled at Mrs Tucker the next morning over breakfast. She placed pancakes on Tricia’s, Craig’s and his plates with gentle ease. She gave him a little closed mouth smile, she had been young and in love once herself. Stan Marsh had become a presence in their house, easily fitting in with their family.

“Thank you Mrs Tucker.” He told her as she passed him the syrup. The only person who liked syrup in the Tucker household. Tricia like strawberry jam on pancakes and Craig like a drizzle of honey. Craig reached for Stan’s hand under the table for a moment and squeezed it gently. He drove Tricia to school, Craig to work. He leaned into the driver’s side window and kissed him gently on the mouth. He heard Kenny wolf whistle behind them and he slung an arm over Craig’s slight shoulders as he leaned in to talk to Stan as well.

“I’ll pick you up after work and take you to school babe. Have a good day.” Stan kissed him again. He could kiss Stan all day and it would never be enough. The question of what was enough weighed on him heavily lately. Was all this enough? Stan was definitely enough, he was more than enough. Was this life enough? When his mom got better, would he be ready to start applying to schools again? Or was this comfortable? He thought about it all the time. It was always on the edge of his thoughts. This small town life, waking up and working with his dad. Taking these community college courses. What came next? 

He was talking to Jimbo about replacing his snow tires soon when Kevin came out of his dad’s office. He gave him a little wave and watched him go over the daily numbers. Kevin McCormick was a wild thing when he was younger. Started drinking at twelve, was doing drugs by fourteen and had gotten clean by seventeen. He was hired at eighteen by his dad and he found his place. His gift was taking things apart and putting them back together. He could tell what was wrong with a car just by the sound. He was smarter than most people gave him credit for and Craig liked him. He liked watching him interact with Kenny and how alike they were. Kevin took care of Kenny and Karen, moving them into a nice little apartment near the center of town. He found that this was enough, he didn’t need anything else. He made a good living, he had everything he could want. He didn’t need to leave town to find satisfaction.

Stan smelled good when he picked him up. Warm and heady, like he had been working with his dad on the farm. The sweetness of marijuana, the earthiness of the soil. He smelled like sun and earth. He pressed his lips against Stan’s stubbled jaw line and bit down as he drove him to his biology class. He liked when Stan drove him to school, he would wait for him in the cafeteria and nurse a red bull until Craig was done with his class. Then he would take him to get something to eat, they would grab fast food and park his truck bedside to Stark’s pond and look at the stars as they ate. It was something to look forward to in his hectic life where he had so little to look forward to.

“When your mom gets better, are you going to see if you can reapply to U of M?” Stan asked him. They were laying on the bed of his truck, his head was on Stan’s chest. They tangled their ankles together and he felt Stan stroking over his dark hair. 

“Maybe. I just, I don't know.” He tried to find the words. He wasn’t good at this part. Talking about what he wanted. He wanted Stan, he wanted to go to Ann Arbor. He wanted his mom to get better and his life to go back to normal. He wanted so many things, he wondered if he was a selfish person. 

“I don't want to lose you.” He told Stan softly. In a sea of change all around, Stan was the one thing that stayed the same. Clyde was still here too, so was Kenny. The four of them banding together to form this group of the left behind. He appreciated that too, that he had a group again. They weren’t Stan and those guys or Craig and those guys, they were just those guys. 

“I don't want to lose you either. I know we talked about long distance, but I worry you’ll find someone better than me. Smarter, just better. I feel like I'm the sort of person people can leave behind.” Stan looked down at him. Kyle left him behind, he barely talked to him since school started, he was just so busy with his classes and studying. Wendy left him behind once they started high school, they grew in different directions. They stayed friends and all, but he knew she wasn’t thinking of him anymore. Craig was smart, he was going to be a very successful person. He would go to Ann Arbor and meet a smart, capable boy. His name would probably be something like Bryce, he would invite him to “summer” on Lake Michigan with him. They would have an idyllic college experience and Craig would someday wonder what happened to the nice boy he dated his senior year. His name was Sam right?

“I wont find anyone better Stan.” He looked up at him. “There is no one better than you.” He had dated other boys, Tweek, Jeff and JP. He had hooked up with other boys, he barely remembered them now. But none of them made him feel like Stan did. He had never been in love before Stan. He thought he had loved JP, they had gone out for three years. He remembered how excited he was when he asked him out, how he tried his hardest to please him. He went out of his way to change the things about himself he didn’t like. When they broke up, he thought it would hurt more. He thought it would be world ending, but it wasn’t. It was something that ran its course. It hurt of course, but he got over it. It was just another experience he looked back on. It wasn’t perfect and it was a disappointment of course. But he got over it.

If Stan had disappeared out of his life, it would hurt. It would hurt like hell, when he thought about it, it made his chest ache. Like he took in a breath too quickly on a cold day. He had never needed someone like this. He had always prided himself on being a very independent person. He liked his time and his space and sometimes he needed to just be alone. But Stan, he needed him. As the world closed in around him, he was there. He was there to make sense of all these things that felt so big. He felt like he had someone to stand besides him.Their relationship was something he couldn’t put into words. It was everything, it had woven itself through his life. He found himself making real plans for them, he wanted to think about a future. He wanted to learn everything about Stan, he liked having this place in his life too. They were still themselves, he never felt like he lost part of himself with him. He didn’t feel he needed to change himself for Stan. They found the things about each other that were compatible and they learned how to exist with the things that weren’t. He felt like he actually wanted to make compromises for him. 

“Come with me.” He looked over at Stan. “If I leave South Park, come with me Stan.” He reached up and touched his jawline gently. “We can go anywhere and do anything. Lets see what we can do.” He wanted more than this and he wanted more for Stan too. 

“I love you so much Craig. I would do anything you would ask me to do. But I like it here. I like working on the farm with my dad and I like my job at the mall.” Stan looked down at him. “I really think this could be enough for me. But sometimes, I think this place is a stop along the way for you. I get it too, seeing things, going to college away from here. But I don't want to be the thing that tethered you to this place when you deserve to keep moving.” He heard this crack in Stan’s voice. Stan had such a big heart, he loved so many things. He loved him, he knew that he loved him. But he wondered if this was a real issue. This wasn’t some stupid fight they had over nothing. This was something that could potentially end them. He felt his eyes stinging, the threat of tears spilling over onto his cheeks. He never cried in front of anyone, he was stoic. Even when his mom was first diagnosed, he stayed strong, he didn’t cry. He felt cracks in that facade right. He wanted to sob against Stan’s chest like a child over a breakup that hadn’t even happened yet. He felt emotional and that always scared him. He didn’t like to feel out of control.

“I love you too.” He didn’t know what else to say. He loved him so much. Love isn’t always enough though. Sometimes there were bigger forces at play. Sometimes you had to find a way to either move past this or move on, there was no standing still. He wanted so badly to stand still though. That’s all he wanted lately. Was to just stand still and let everything just move past him. There was change looming, it was peering in on them. He felt it in the air, this shift of will we keep going or do I have to let you go. 

“Do you know when I fell in love with you?” Stan asked him softly. His fingers were threading through his black hair. Craig could hear Stan’s heart beating faster, the memory of them still made his heart skip a beat.

“We were in the seventh grade and you were so sad that whole first month of school. You broke up with Tweek, you were so quiet. I had just broken up with Wendy for good this time and she had moved on with an eighth grader.” Stan started, leaning down to press a kiss to the top of his head. “We had to go on a field trip to the planetarium and you were the only one who was excited. We all groaned and complained, but not you. You looked so different, happy, smiling. You hadn’t gotten your braces yet, you had the most charming little overbite.” Craig smiled at that. Charming wasn’t the word he would use to describe it. “We were paired together as buddies, I was disappointed at first, I wanted to be with Kyle, you wanted to be with Clyde. But you told me about all the constellations, all the stars, all these little facts. You looked so passionate. You could talk about it for hours, I could just listen to you talk about it. I looked over at you, I just knew.” He felt Stan’s arm around him tighten.

“Why didn’t you say anything? You waited until our senior year to do anything.” Craig wondered if he had made a move, would they still be here now? Or else would they have grown tired of each other like high school relationships tend to do.

“You started dating Jeff. Then you dated JP, he was my hockey teammate. I would see you in the stands, cheering him on. It sucked, but what could I do? Then you seemed so heartbroken when it ended. I didn’t want to be your rebound. I wanted you to be ready for me, I wanted this, it to last.” Stan motioned between the two of them. “That Halloween party was the best thing that ever happened to me. Seeing you there, you were dressed up like a lazy black cat, ears and a black sweater. I had to make my move, it was now or never.” He kissed Craig’s knuckles gently. “You’re my everything Craig, I've loved you for so long, since the seventh grade. Maybe we won't be in the same place. Maybe you’ll be in Ann Arbor or Denver or Paris. But I'm not ready to give up on you. Lets see what happens before we start breaking this all apart.” Stan wasn’t logical. He was emotionally intelligent in a way Craig couldn’t understand. He was willing to fight for things, he wasn’t going to give up when things got hard. As Craig got older, he started to realize that he wasn't always right and there’s so many things he could have done better. He could have handled a situation with more understanding and kindness. He probably would have never have come to understand that without Stan. Maybe he wasn’t ready to give up on him either. 

He was wrapping Christmas presents with his sister. She was so good at it, everything was even and neat and she made her own bows. He let her wrap all his for Stan, Kenny and Clyde. Writing out the tags in his neat script handwriting. 

“Stan will love this wrapping paper.” She told him matching up the edges of dachshunds wearing santa hats. “But I think he would like anything you give him.” She looked over at him.

“I got him an experience.” He told him softly. He also got him a framed lithograph of a photo of Sparky. He had one of the art students at the community college do it for him. “We’re going to get tattoos after Christmas. I have a friend who can do them for us for cheap.” Jeff was a shitty boyfriend, but his friends weren’t so bad. He stayed in touch with a few, one of whom grew up to be a very talented tattoo artist. He wanted to get Stan’s constellation on his skinny forearm. He would look down and always be able to take him wherever he went. 

“You’re such a sap.” Tricia teased him, but she wished she would find a nice boyfriend like Stan. She envied Craig for being able to find someone so easily. He always had a boyfriend, he always had a boy to occupy his time. She was too picky, no one ever measured up to her standards. Craig saw people for what they were, he never idealized anywhere. People came in and out of your life for a reason. You had to appreciate the good, take or leave the bad. She couldn’t let things go like that. 

Christmas was such an event in the Tucker house. His dad swathed the house in tasteful white lights, never the fun coloured ones. They had pretty light up decorations and everyone went out to ooohhh and ahhhh over them when he was finished. They did so much baking, cookies and breads and home made fudge. They wore their ugly fair isle print Christmas sweaters and everyone looked charming and cozy. They trimmed their tree the day after Thanksgiving every year and drank cocoa and listened to holiday music. If anyone could see cynical Craig Tucker with his family, they wouldn’t have believed it. But it was their time and he treasured it, held it against his chest like it was something precious. It was a precious thing and he felt this overwhelming feeling of loss that they may not be able to do it this year. His mom had been so tired, she slept as soon as she came home from her treatments. Tricia and him tried to the do the tree themselves this year, but it wasn’t the same. They hadn’t done any of the baking or decorating the house. It looked like it did every other day of the year, plain and boring and it wasn’t how he liked it. It made him feel empty and melancholy. Nostalgic for something that had passed.

He was riding Stan that night, bouncing faster and harder, feeling Stan squeeze his hips hard enough to leave bruises. He had just start openly staying there at this point, spending multiple nights in a row there. Stan had one of his hands over Craig’s mouth to keep him quiet and was currently biting down on his shoulder to do the same. If Craig’s parents knew what they were up to, they didn’t say anything. Maybe they understood Craig needed his own set of distractions this time of the year. Stan slammed his hips upwards and within three really good thrusts, he was coming. He reached up for Craig and finished him off too and he slumped forward on Stan’s chest exhausted. 

“Goddammit baby.” Stan was catching his breath, it hitched in his throat and Craig was stroking his chest hair lightly. It was frantic and hard and it was just what they both needed. They had both been in their heads too much since their conversation about the future at Stark’s pond. He knew things between them had changed and it made his skin feel hot and tight and itchy with worry. This hadnt changed though. They still connected so well physically. No one fucked him better than Stan Marsh. No one knew what he needed when he needed it. To have it hard and fast and leave bruises on his smooth tan skin. Or sweet and languid, they would take all day sometimes if they wanted to. No one read him like Stan could. He was fluent in Craig Tucker’s physical needs. 

“You’re so good to me Stan.” He reached up and touched the corners of Stan’s mouth gently, feeling them up turn in a little smile. Stan looked down at him and ran his thumb over Craig’s lower lip, pressing into it. He nipped at his thumb teasing. 

“Would you call me daddy if I asked you to?” Stan teased him gently. But he always knew there was this undercurrent of truth. He could feel it in the upturn of the back of his words. He just looked up at him. Maybe he would. It made his cheeks flush when he thought of it though. 

“We’ll see.” That was always his answer. It was never a no or a yes with Craig. Sometimes it was a we’ll see. That bought him time to make a decision. That seemed to be his theme lately, I need time to make a decision. 

“Let's do something impulsive.” Stan nuzzled into his touch. He was stroking over Stan’s jawline gently. “I want to take you somewhere.” He looked up into Stan’s big blue eyes and smiled. Something impulsive that wasn’t usually their game. They were responsible people with people who counted on them. 

“I want to see the observatory in Los Angeles.” Craig told him softly. “Before I have to make a grand decision. I just want to see it.” He looked over at him. “Lets drive to LA and see it.” He thought Stan was right, you were only young once. Maybe he wanted to do something impulsive. Maybe his mom being sick made him realize life was too short and you need to experience everything now. Maybe he just wanted to see what it felt like to be completely selfish. Maybe he just wanted to see it with Stan.

“I’ll take you for New Years.” Stan told him. “It's only 16 hours in the car to get there.” He leaned over and kissed Craig’s wrist. He could feel his pulse under his soft thin skin there. It was so intimate in a way he couldn’t explain. It made his skin heat up, it made him flush in a way that the sex act they just did couldn’t compete with. 

His mom was determined to spend Christmas with her children. She came downstair Christmas morning and cooked a big breakfast. Pancakes, eggs, turkey bacon. She made mugs of steaming cocoa and turned on Christmas music. She opened presents with her children and took pictures, just like she always had. She made a big dinner, turkey with the all traditions. Craig and Tricia stayed at her side, did the things she couldn’t when she got too tired. It was too good, too fragile in that moment. It was the sort of good that he knew couldn’t last. That you had to appreciate it in the moment. That's what he was doing, he was completely in this moment with his family. Even when Stan came over for dinner, head ducked shy, handing a bouquet of flowers to Mrs. Tucker for Christmas, he still thought this was their day. The Tuckers had their own traditions, they were going to make damn sure they had this.

After dinner, he gave Stan his present all wrapped up prettily thanks to Trish. The lithograph, homemade gifts were always so sweet. 

“I have another gift for you too, but it’s an experience.” He laced his long fingers together with Stan’s. “I have a friend who can give us tattoos for cheap. They’re licensed, but learning you know?” He leaned his forehead against Stan’s.

“I got something special for you too baby.” He kissed the side of his head. “This as always.” He handed him a baggie of five rolled joints. It wasn’t the pen, he liked the pen, but this was free.

“I love it.” He teased him gently. He laid his head on Stan’s shoulder. Stan’s arm was around his waist, pulling him in closer. 

“I have something else too, something better.” He gave him a little wrapped box. Stan usually got him records or books, those were the things Craig loved. Reading and music. But this was too small to be a record or a book. He unwrapped it gently and opened the little box. The bracelet was two little suede cords with a round metal piece between them. It had his zodiac constellation carved into it. It wasn’t perfect, it definitely looked homemade. The stamping wasn’t exactly straight. But Stan made this for him, homemade gifts were the sweetest gifts. 

“I love it, I love you.” He looked over at Stan and kissed him so gently, just a brush of the lips. Stan took his thin wrist in his hand and placed the bracelet on him, adjusting it so it was perfect. 

“It's perfect like you.” He brushed Craig’s bangs out of his eyes. They spent the rest of the night watching the snow fall under the glow of the Christmas lights. They twinkled like stars.

He handed a take out cup of Harbucks coffee to Stan and put one in the cupholder for himself. They were nestled in the front of the seat of Stan’s truck, ready to drive to LA. They listened to their own mix of pop punk they could sing along to, dreamy indie to relax to. He had his head on Stan’s shoulder as they drove. 

“You look so beautiful when you’re happy.” Stan told him softly. “Your eyes are so bright right now.” He reached over and brought Craig’s hand up to his lips. Stan made him feel so damn happy. It was this most calming feeling in the world. To just be happy, content in the moment you’re in. He didn't know how to explain it, he couldn’t even put it into words how he felt about Stan. He just knew he loved him more than he had ever loved anything in his life.

“You make so happy.” He looked over at him. Happiness was so fleeting when you’re on the edge of something. He always felt like he was waiting for something. Waiting to begin the life he was supposed to live. Waiting for his mom to get worse. Never better, he always felt it was going to be tragic. Waiting for Stan to decide he couldn’t be with the emotionally closed off robot. He felt Stan could do better, he would realize that one day. That being with Craig Tucker was too hard. All they did was fuck, he could find someone else for that. It scared him so badly. All the people in his life disappearing like that. There was one moment, gone the next. It scared him to think about Stan not being there tomorrow. The moments they were together, he was happy. His mind was calm, his heart was full. The moments they were apart, he was scared. He tried to appear one way, he was Craig Tucker, he was so cool. He could adapt to any situation, he didn't give a fuck. But he was so insecure it made his chest clench. 

Their hotel room wasn’t anything special, just a little cheap thing to fuck, shower and sleep in. They spent their days exploring all the things they dreamed of seeing. Johnny Ramone’s tombstone, he took a picture of Stan next to it. They went to the natural history museum. He wanted to see everything, he looked at every exhibit. He listened to all the little audio stations, he told Stan all the facts he could remember. He patiently held his hand as they walked. 

That night they went to the observatory and it was beautiful, it was so beautiful. He could see every star in the sky. He saw the Tesla coil, he saw everything he could have ever wanted to see. It was so overwhelming, it was his dream and Stan made it come true. He felt his eyes stinging with tears, it was too overwhelming in a way. He achieved his dream, it happened and he was so young. He wiped the tears from his eyes and looked over at Stan. 

“Why are you crying babe?” Stan wiped the tears off his tan cheeks with his thumbs. He gathered him in his arms and just held him. 

“It's so beautiful. I've never seen beauty like this.” He told him, his voice barely audible. “I've achieved one of my dreams. I almost don't know where to go from here.” He admitted to him. Stan just held him. They were in the only place he had ever really wanted to visit and he was so overwhelmed. He wondered if this was normal, if other people reacted like this in these situations. He was self conscious for a moment, he didn’t want Stan to think he didn’t appreciate the trip. He did, god he did. 

“We can take our time, lets just enjoy this moment for what it is.” Stan never pushed him, he let Craig experience things on his own time. He was always a little behind that way. He was never great at accepting how he was feeling. 

The last night they were in Los Angeles, they were sitting on the beach at night. It was cooler than it was during the day and it was quiet and uncrowded. The sound of the waves were relaxing and it was peaceful. It was like standing on the edge of the earth and looking out at the great beyond.

“Happy 2019.” Stan kissed the side of his head and everything smelled like salt and warmth and Stan’s citrus cologne. It was the moment, the moment where everything is laid out in front of you and you sit back and settle into it. He was with Stan during this moment and that meant something to him too. Stan would always be on the edge of the world with him and everywhere in between. There was this question of what happened next. If he went away to school, or stayed here. What happened to them and what was enough for him. 

He knew what was waiting for him back home, working for his dad. Going to the community college part time. Taking care of Tricia and his mother. The responsibility of being Craig Tucker, something a nineteen year old shouldn’t have to worry about but he did. He worried about it at every turn. Stan, who was enough, more than enough. He worried that they had an expiration date. He worried that Stan would forget about him if he was gone, out of sight, out of mind. He worried that he would leave his family behind, even when, not if, his mom got better. He worried he was ruining this moment right now. This beautiful moment of looking at the waves and smelling the ocean with Stan’s arms around his waist. Stan’s nose in his hair and he kissed the side of his head gently. He turned in his arms and faced Stan, looking into his big dark blue eyes. He had a shadow of stubble on his face and it was so attractive. It made his chest clench in a good way, he was never tired of looking at Stan. He put one of his hands on his jawline and stroked over the stubble gently. 

“Happy 2019 honey.” He laid his head back against Stan’s chest and listened to his heart beat. The calming rhythm made his racing mind just still for a moment. No worries and fears and questions. Just this moment of them together. He wrapped it around him like a comforting blanket, something just envelopes you in warmth. That was Stan for him. He knew he wanted more, he wanted to travel and see the stars and live a thousand different lives, but he wanted all that with Stan. So maybe it would take him longer to get there. Maybe he could start at community college and work at the body shop. Then when his mom was better, when and never if, it would be their time. 

“Do you want to just sit here a little longer and look at the water?” He asked Stan softly, nestled against his chest. There was so much waiting for him when they returned home, this was their moment to be still. No worries, just each other.

“That sounds perfect.” Stan tightened his arms around him and he felt him nuzzled the side of his throat. It was just enough, everything he wanted in that moment. For the first time in so long, he felt like things were going to be ok. It wasn’t perfect, it was still uncertain and messy, but they were here together. That was just enough for him.

**Author's Note:**

> I put Craig through so much sadness all the time.


End file.
